in my veins (rose)

[SILAS ASHDOWN]

nothing goes as planned
everything will break / people say goodbye in their own special way

it was a terribly dim morning. silas found each morning to be growing a little less than the last; if he was going to be completely honest - which he hardly ever was - he knew that it wasn't really the weather. the sunshine was warm and was what roused him from his rock-like slumber every morn, but it wasn't really the same. a big part of silas - a huge part of him - wished for things to go back to the way they were before. but he also knew that being in jail, and everything that happened from when he was in jail and when he got out, was going to make it ten times harder to get back to normal.

and it wouldn't really be normal, not without him around. quite frankly, he knew that it wouldn't ever be normal again. that was just the sad way that life happened to work out. so that morning, when silas pulled on his nicest shirt and jacket and pants, he made his way down up into the nicer parts of town. manner's park was generally pretty deserted for this chilly thursday morning. a few people dotted its premises, but other than the occasional man and wife walking past him, he was alone.

the park was not his ultimate destination, however. instead of seating himself at his usual bench, silas kept walking until he reached the front steps of st. augustine's cathedral. the bell tolled and he could hear only a few noises inside the church otherwise.

it had been a long time since he'd been in a church. he'd definitely left the religious part of him behind since his descent into crime; it seemed like it didn't matter as much once you were a criminal. he supposed that you could ask god for forgiveness all you liked, but it wasn't going to matter if the terrible things you were doing were what paid the bills and you were going to keep doing them anyway.

but silas needed some comfort. he wasn't sure why he thought he'd find it in a church he hadn't attended to in years. but it was worth a shot, right? and if it didn't make his soul a little more comfortable, a little more at ease, then at least the silence would terrify him into temporary peace. he could enjoy the stained glass windows and the wooden pews and the general tranquility associated with the church.

so he seated himself in the very back, putting his elbows on his knees and awkwardly folding his hands together. it felt strange. he rested his head against his neatly folded hands and began.

god, he started, and then stopped. no, that wasn't right. dear god. nope. okay, here it is. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't even go to this church. i don't even believe in you. he stopped and took in a deep breath. but i'm so lost, god. so if you really exist, i'd appreciate some help. a little pause. oh, and amen.

[AMBROSE ARDELENE]

Rose wasn't exactly a stranger to churches, or cathedrals, or any place of worship, really. He liked them. His brother did too, although more for the reason of pretty arches and beautiful stained glass windows than the whole calm and reassuring atmosphere thing. But that was besides the point - today they weren't here to look at the architecture, or to simply get lost in the silence. Today the three of them had come to light candles for their sister, because that was the kind of thing the dead liked. To know they were still being thought about.

He supposed the mood at such a time was meant to be... quietly thoughtful. A tad melancholic, perhaps, but with hope mixed in. But he got the feeling that the only kind of mood Tobi would be in when their sister was mentioned would be a thoroughly depressed one. It kind of put a dampener on the whole experience, and was certainly not what he and Isaac had hoped for when they had brought him here. But maybe this was one of those things where only the passing of time could bring back any sense of normality.

Rose hoped it wouldn't take too long. He was starting to get quite worried, and God knows he already had enough people to worry about.

Of course he was thinking about Silas. There were very few moments when he wasn't. But even so, he was still a little shocked when his eyes wandered over the people dotted here and there through the rows of pews, only to end up finding the subject of his thoughts. Was this... was this normal? He hadn't thought the other boy as the religious type - was there the chance he'd been wrong? He wanted to go over, not just to find out, but simply because he liked spending time with Silas.

Was it the right thing to do? Screw it all, he was going to anyway. He said a few words to Isaac (because Tobi was still looking too glum to even think about talking to) and left them, promising to bring home a cake or something later. Surely a cake would improve his brother's mood! There were very few things it couldn't fix.

When he got closer to the dark haired youth, however, Rose could see he was praying - and wasn't quite sure if he should keep going and interrupt. It wasn't right, after all, to just barge in like that on someone's private thoughts. So he decided to wait. That was the sensible thing to do, in such a situation. He moved quietly to the other's side, and sat on the hard yet elegantly carved pew, and waited. He was, surprisingly, reverent, silent; but couldn't stop his eyes from wandering, resting on that soft black hair. It was all he could do to stop himself from grabbing the buy and holding him tight, but that probably wouldn't go down too well in a place like this, all things considered.

[SILAS ASHDOWN]

nothing goes as planned
everything will break / people say goodbye in their own special way

as anti-religious as he was, silas found himself oddly reassured as he continued in his clumsy prayer. he didn't get anymore confident or smooth with the things he let out to god, but he certainly did feel a sense of peace settling over him. whether it was really divine intervention or just a mental thing, he couldn't tell; but he liked it enough to keep going, and he liked it enough that he didn't notice when someone sat beside him.

and you know, god, it's been a long time since i've seen rosie. i know you probably don't approve, but jail was hard and i miss him a lot. so if you could let me see him, i'd really like that too. amen. did i say amen too much? i don't really know where it goes... i'll work on getting better at this praying thing.

silas took in a deep breath and tried to clear his mind. thoughts of rose clouded it over, and he thought it might have been a bit terrible to be thinking of his boyfriend in such a holy place. certainly god was offended. he lifted his head from his praying position and was a little surprised and startled to see rose right next to him.

hey, god. i really appreciate it.

the years had not been entirely unkind to silas, you know. he still had a bit of a haunted look to him, lurking beneath the surface of his violet eyes and pastel exterior. but his hair was not as shaggy as it used to always be and he was more clean-cut now, and definitely healthier. getting out of jail tended to improve your healthy, anyway.

but rose was still beautiful. so beautiful and untarnished; he reminded silas of those silver rings his mother used to get, before the silver faded to copper and turned her fingers green. rose was the lovely, untouched silver. and he? silas was the worn copper.

"i was just praying about you," he said, as if that would sound better than just 'hey'. it actually sounded a little... strange, coming from his mouth. he couldn't remember the last time he prayed. "i think god must be laughing somewhere up in heaven, if it's really there. i'm a fairly terrible pray-er." silas gave a little smile. it was weak, but it was sincere. he looked down at his hands and folded them together experimentally for a moment, then back at rose.

it would have been nice if he was able to show the man he loved affection where he wanted. of course, it would be nice if he didn't have to sell drugs to people to make ends meet; it'd be nice if he didn't have to anything bad at all to make the apartment bill payable. so as much as he wanted to lean over and kiss rose, or lace their fingers together, or hold him close, he would have to refrain for now.

[AMBROSE ARDELENE]

It was always hard to meet with Silas in a public place, because Rose always wanted to do things that the public wouldn't exactly approve of. It was karma, he supposed, or something quite like it. Luckily he could still smile at those words of greeting, and no-one would think it strange, or out of the ordinary, or threaten to chase them out of the building.

"Weren't praying that I'd go away, I hope," he replied, whilst fighting the incredibly overpowering urge to hug him. This was a true test of faith - none of that being stranded in the wilderness or having to cross hot coals stuff. No, this was it. Having to restrain yourself to keep up some semblance of respect, or dignity, or something; it was a fight with yourself rather than one against an outside force, and everyone knew those were the hardest to win.

"And from what I saw, you were doing wonderfully. It's not that hard to pray, you just have to wish. Don't you?" This was an actual question. He hadn't really thought about it before, just done what had come naturally - and, well, for the first time he was starting to worry if he'd been doing it wrong. Hopefully not. Surely you got warnings about those sorts of things?

But no, that wasn't important. Well, actually, it was, but it wasn't important right now. What was important right now was that he couldn't hold Silas and it was killing him and all he wanted to do was hold hands and pull him close and no no no, that wasn't what he should be thinking about either! That wasn't why he came over here!

"D-do you come here often? i didn't think you were the type." From anyone else, the words could have been interpreted as scathing, or guilt-inducing, or something equally bitter and filled with sarcasm. But from Rose it was a genuine question, with genuine surprise - he was simply curious, and surprised at how much there still was to Silas that he didn't know.

[SILAS ASHDOWN]

nothing goes as planned
everything will break / people say goodbye in their own special way

it was hard for silas, who (in general) didn't really care about what the public thought of his relationship with rose. he was better pressed to that philosophy of "it's not any of your business"; and that's how he'd always been with the way he lived his life. it wasn't any of their business to decide whether he was going to sell drugs or go to school. it wasn't their decision as to whether he went back to selling said drugs after serving his time in jail. and it definitely wasn't any of their business as to who he decided to love.

but he wasn't stupid. he knew that being open about their relationship in private was far different than if they were open in public. kissing and cuddling in silas' apartment was safe and welcome. but even hugging in public was questionable. and it killed silas a little bit, knowing that he couldn't take rosie's hand and kiss his fingers and then kiss him just whenever he pleased.

"mmm, maybe something more along the lines of praying to see you more often," he replied. he kept his voice softer to avoid any discrepancies. silas allowed his small smile to return, and then looked up at the high ceiling, the painted windows, the genteel arches. his eyes drifted back to rose however, and he gave a little sigh and a shrug.

"i wouldn't know what praying is, really," silas said. "i've never done it before now."

what silas really wanted to do was be somewhere else instead of praying in this church that he didn't even attend. maybe he could convince rose to come back to his apartment with him. they could curl up on his couch - newly refurbished, thanks to silas' booming business - and drink some tea and warm their fingers from the brisk autumn morning. and then silas could pull rosie close to him and bury his face in that lovely almond hair; and he could kiss rosie and pretend like things were normal and that everything was going to be alright from now on.

"this is only the second time in my life i've been here," he answered after a moment of thought (and after he'd managed to drag himself out of that sweet mental image). "the first time was years ago. i'm not very religious." a little sigh came from him, and he reached over - tentatively, quietly - to rest his fingers over rose's hand. it was a silent but sweet movement, hopeful that no one would see.

"are you..." how was he supposed to ask this? in a church, no less! "are you, um, busy today?" silas posed the question as if he himself was unsure about the entire thing. it was strange, getting back into the flow of things when you had been so very out of it. it's like being stuck in a case where you can see life moving by without you, but when you get back into life everything's changed and you don't know how to do anything anymore. "i was just wondering if you would.... want to - to come over for a little while?"

[AMBROSE ARDELENE]

All he had to do was twist his wrist ever so slightly, and his fingers were locked with Silas'. He was sure this tiny little action was safe, because the only way someone could see would be if they were hovering over them - and anyone who went out of their way to look at things that would annoy them deserved to be annoyed. And, well, if someone told Rose that God was always watching, he'd just give them a blank look along the lines of '... and?'

Rose took certain lessons to heart. The one that was the most important to him was to do his best to help and improve the lives of others. He was sure God would forgive him for doing one little thing wrong, if it meant bringing happiness to one who needed it desperately.

And besides, he certainly wasn't going to give in to the full extent of his temptations. Even though Silas was being more adorable than he ever had been, looking completely like a child at his first mass. Which, come to think of it, was probably more accurate than Rose gave credit for.

"As a matter of fact, I have today off," he replied, smiling. He had taken it off to show his eldest brother, newly arrived to Brack, around the city... but Tobi knew the place just as well, and besides, he got to see them every day. How long had it been since he'd spent time with Silas? Even a day was too long, as clichéd as the phrase was. "And do you even need to ask? You know I'd never turn down an offer from you."

Ah, that was probably not a good thing to say. Someone more world-savvy than Ambrose would probably have put two and two together by now, and worked out that Silas was not the wounded pure angel he thought him to be. But people who thought like that were the kind who put their own peace of mind before those of the people they cared about - were probably likely to throw about ham-fisted 'advice' about how wrong it was, morally and physically, to do something like sell drugs. Or hell, they'd probably just cut ties all together and lament at parties about the one who 'was a good person, really, just went a bit bonkers at the end'.

Rose wasn't like that. It would get him in to trouble one day. But any amount of trouble he faced would be worth it, if it meant he could stay with Silas.

[SILAS ASHDOWN]

nothing goes as planned
everything will break / people say goodbye in their own special way

a wave of relief and happiness washed over silas when he felt rose's fingers intertwine with his. it had been too long - far too long - since he'd been able to hold rosie's hand in private or public; and he liked the way their fingers seemed to fit together perfectly, like they were meant to be. maybe a little romantic part of silas liked to think that they did belong together, that god really did approve of them because didn't god want all of his children to be happy? and rosie certainly made silas happy. very happy, in fact. so maybe, somewhere, god was nodding his head in approval, if he even existed.

another warm feeling bubbled up in him when he heard that rose had the day off. things would be so much better for him if he could see rosie every day, kiss him every day, hold him close and tell him how much he loved him every day. but of course, he couldn't. so silas would have to find a little bit of solace in these small moment; holding hands in a church, the promise of an afternoon spent together on his couch, wrapped up in a blanket and cuddling together with some tea. maybe silas would even work up the nerve to say he loved rosie so much - really loved him.

"jail was hard, but it didn't rob me of my manners," he said teasingly, giving rosie's hand a squeeze. his smile didn't fade. "besides, i like asking you. if i didn't ask you, you could just be coming to be nice to me."

at this point, silas wasn't really paying attention to his conversation choices. he should have been, but it was hard when all he was really thinking about was leaning over and kissing rose, kissing him and cuddling him and keeping him close. maybe, if he kept himself around rose enough, he'd eventually start to be as nice and beautiful as the brunette was; and then he would deserve rose, and things would be alright.

"can we go now, rosie?" silas asked, tentatively. "i know you like it here, but..." he glanced around. it suddenly seemed less inviting, and more like a prison. he would much prefer to thank god in private. "it's just... strange."

[AMBROSE ARDELENE]

He couldn't really blame Silas for wanting to leave, and it wasn't just because he too was having thoughts unfit for Church. The place had been built to be beautiful, yes, but in a way almost unreachable and daunting - there was a ulterior motive behind those arches and that high ceiling. At least, that's what Tobi said, and he could be trusted on matters like this.

"Should we go then?" He asked, standing. Unfortunately it meant letting go of the other's hand, but that was something that couldn't really be helped. At least they wouldn't have to worry about being all secretive once they got out of sight. It really was a pain, all things considered. But, well, there wasn't really anything he could do about that. There was something he could do, though, and he was determined to keep at it no matter how many dark corners he had to duck behind.

He didn't let it show, but that throwaway comment about the gaol got to Rose. He did his best to not think about that time, tried not to dwell on the fact that it was all pretty much his fault. No matter how you looked at it, being incarcerated was not an ideal experience, and not one you expected your lover to put you through; frankly, Rose was surprised beyond belief that Silas would even still look at him. But he'd do better from now on. It'd be hard, but he'd fix those broken violet eyes, help them to become even more beautiful. And he'd make sure their owner would never have to go through something so traumatic ever again, even if it did mean losing his job and becoming something he despised.

ooc:: sorry sorry it's short i'm running late tonight.

[SILAS ASHDOWN]

nothing goes as planned
everything will break / people say goodbye in their own special way

maybe a mean, nasty, cruel part of silas had hoped to inflict hurt upon rosie with that jail comment. he had thought, initially, that the words had tumbled out of his mouth only because it was a thing of the past, and therefore they could talk about it freely with each other about it; but he found, to his great surprise, that part of him was still bitter about it. he had wasted precious time in a jail, with criminals that were nowhere near his caliber. had he really deserved that sort of a punishment, all because he was doing what he could to put food on the table and pay the bills that needed to be paid? no, no he didn't think so. in fact, he found himself the victim of a great injustice, something that ought to be frowned upon.

a long time ago, silas would have demanded a public apology from the police officers after being proven 'innocent'. there hadn't been any incriminating evidence in his living quarters, and the only other evidence they did have was from a certain (then) rookie officer who was reluctant to say anything after that scene in silas' apartment. but silas was a different man after jail. he hadn't demanded a public apology, hadn't spit in their faces, hadn't walked down the street with a smug look of criminal triumph; he had gone quietly, and returned to a life of dealing drugs and making money.

and quite a bit more money than last time, no less.

even with the improvement of his funds, he was loathe to begin upgrading too quickly. to do so would be suspicious; and as he promised rose, he wouldn't share anything with the brunette about his work. all he could do was love him - and he was pretty good at that.

"yeah, let's," silas said, letting his fingers slide from rosie's as he stood and - a bit quickly - exited the church. the air outside felt good; it was beginning to feel like an oven in that church, baking him from the inside out, trying to clean out all of his sinning and wrong-doing. too little, too late, he thought dryly, and waiting a moment for rose, began to head down the street.

casually, nonchalantly, he said to his boyfriend, "i got a raise just last weekend. we could go do something nice this saturday, if you wanted. if you had time. i know your family is in town, so i don't want to drag you away from them, but..." he glanced over at rose and offered a tiny, sincere smile. "i'd also like to talk to you about our, ah... living accomodations?"

[AMBROSE ARDELENE]

You could have compared Rose to a dog - one of the big, fluffy, eager ones like a Retriever - the way he trailed after Silas. He wouldn't have minded that, either, since said dogs are known for their loyalty, and God knows he'd follow Silas to the ends of the Earth. Or, well, most of the way; there were still a few things he wasn't sure sat right with him, but they'd surely work themselves out before anything too dramatic happened. Right?

Anyway, the biggest problem right now was that he still couldn't reach out and hold the dark haired youth's hand, and it was cold outside. Autumn was making itself known at last, and Rose was absolutely dreading the onset of Winter. He'd already decided to spend most of it with Silas, probably whilst also hiding beneath several blankets and next to a huge fire. Safety hazard? If he died while he was warm, none of it would matter.

"Saturday? That should be fine, but uh..." Yes, right, how exactly was he going to phrase this next bit? He knew how Ash was about family, and simply couldn't guess at how he would react to the mention of it. "Actually, my brother's moving here for work. He doesn't have a place of his own yet, so we're staying together... but I can think of an excuse if I stay out too late." He moved closer to Silas, not so close as to touch, but just enough to feel some kind of imaginary connection. He didn't know if it was working, but it was better than nothing!

"But what's all this about 'living arrangements'? Are you moving? Say it a little simpler, I'm not cut out for big words." A smile, the kind owned by one who has long ago learned how to hide his own failings behind it. Living with insanely smart siblings was tough when you were just ordinary - Rose knew he'd never quite be able to understand the world they lived in, but that didn't stop him from trying. It wasn't a setback, just another challenge!

[SILAS ASHDOWN]

nothing goes as planned
everything will break / people say goodbye in their own special way

it was true; silas was a little touchy about family. in his opinion, forming solely from personal experience, family wasn't forever. people claimed that love didn't last, but family did; and, to the contrary, silas' life had led him to expect quite the opposite. the only stability he'd ever had in his life was from his job and from rosie. maybe things between them had turned out not-so-stable; but they were back together now, and that's what mattered, right? rosie was still there for him more than his own family was and had been; and silas definitely cared more for rose than he did for most of his family.

so, you can imagine, there was a little bit of stiffness when silas heard that rosie's family was moving here. visiting he was perfectly accustomed to. family members felt the dire need to "catch up" and visit every once in a while, and everyone was entitled to that. but moving here? back into rosie's life? this had been a problem that silas hadn't prepared himself for. would rosie's family like him? would they even want to meet him? what if they didn't support rose being gay? what if they wanted him lynched or something equally gruesome?

"moving?" silas repeated. "as in living with you?" as in, the same house as you? well, there was certainly no way silas could ask rosie to move in with him now, not while rose's brother was living with him. he swallowed briefly and fixed his eyes ahead, trying to figure out a way to save face without making it too obvious he was trying to do exactly that. he cleared his throat briefly and then said. "hm? oh, nothing, i just - i was um thinking about... getting new drapes. for the living room. those old ones are so ratty." drapes. yes. that was good. "and i was wondering if you knew of any place to buy good drapes? because i haven't the foggiest."

so he wasn't going to ask about drapes before. but - but it could wait, if rosie's brother was moving in with him. besides, now that silas thought about it - as in really thought about it - he thought that maybe rosie wouldn't want to move in with him. because let's be honest; he may have been making more money than he was before, but he was still a far cry from a powerful drug lord. he was getting there; close, but no cigar. and so maybe it would be better to wait until he could provide rosie with a home that was better than a shabby apartment in downtown brack.

[AMBROSE ARDELENE]

Rose got the feeling Silas wasn't really going to ask about drapes, but he let it go anyway. It was his fault for mentioning his family; he should have known better. It hurt, though, knowing that; because to Rose, his family was important. More than important. They stuck together, looked out for each other - it was something that you knew you could fall back on. He wanted to give Ash that kind of world, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it.

"Ah, well, I don't know where you can buy drapes. My apartment came fully furnished, which is good because I think I would have made a mess of things otherwise." A laugh, trying to lighten the slightly awkward mood. He wasn't quite sure it worked. Why couldn't they get to Silas' faster? Being unable to touch was killing him, and he was sure it would be much easier to change the mood if they both had a suitable distraction.

But no, houses did not just appear out of thin air when you needed them. It was one of the world's greatest failings, in his opinion.

There was something else he wanted to say on that awkward subject, however, and well... now might be the right time to say it. Or not. To be frank, Rose didn't know if there would ever be a right time; he had the feeling that whenever the circumstances, it would cause some strife. He didn't like bringing more of that on to Silas. It made his gut twist just thinking about it. But he had made a promise, once, that the dark haired youth could always turn to his family if he was in a tight spot. It had been a comment made in the spur of the moment, and there was a good chance Ash had forgotten all about it; but Rose hadn't.

"Ash... I want you to meet my brothers. I know it'd be awkward. I haven't told them about us yet, but they're good people." And I don't want you to feel so alone anymore. To be honest, ever since that morning the faint stirrings of mortality had been gnawing at the back of his mind. His sister was already gone. His brother had tried to kill himself, twice. And out of all of them, he was the one with the most dangerous job. Who knows what could happen? Each time he went out it was a gamble as to whether he'd make it back alive - that's the kind of city this place was.

And he knew he wouldn't be able to rest knowing Silas was left here alone.